I want to start with ADHD, because I think of all my issues, ADHD negatively affects my relationship with Neil the most.
Here are some tips for being in love with someone who has ADHD:
1. Help us live in the moment:
People with ADHD have an extremely difficult time being present. Remember that for us, the anticipation of something may be more enjoyable than the actual event. (You can use this to your advantage, because buying us concert tickets or season passes and giving us an experience to look forward to can be the best gift.) Help us be present during activities by asking us questions about what's happening NOW. Your loved one with ADHD may have a hard time enjoying leisure time, because their mind is racing towards the next activity. You may notice that they move on to something else before you feel like they've even experienced the first event, or before they've followed through on their original idea. You may be thinking, "This is really fun," but your significant other is thinking, "This is fun, but I have an idea of what could be MORE fun and I need to make it happen right now." Without making fun of someone or being insensitive, help your significant other recognize when this is happening.Your partner WANTS to enjoy each moment with you, but they have obstacles. Gently remind them that you want them to enjoy the here and now. Continue to give them experiences and events to look forward to and allow them to be excited about the future.
2. Find our car keys:
As ADHDers, we have so much going on in our minds, including how to solve world hunger and the meaning of the entire universe. So we don't have time for menial details like where we put down our cell phone. Pay attention to where your partner typically leaves important items like purses, keys, and phones, and help them keep track of those objects. Before you leave any restaurant or movie theater, check your partner's area to make sure they are not leaving anything behind. If you live together, help your partner create a space to put down keys and phones as soon as they get home. Your significant other will lose things on the daily, so be prepared to help them stay calm about that.
3. Be patient:
This may be the most important piece of advice I have. Life is harder for your loved one with ADHD than it is for someone who doesn't have ADHD. Remember that they are doing their best. Something that might seem like an obvious problem to you may be lost on your partner. Sometimes I think I have perfectly, 100% communicated my plans to my partner, but to Neil it's clear that I have not. Be specific about the frustrating things they do, and let them know that you are frustrated with ADHD symptoms, not with them.
4. Keep us from being impulsive:
Don't let us shop when we're upset. Distract us with something else instead. People with ADHD are typically impatient, which means if there is something we want or we think we have a good idea, we want it to happen right away. Help us slow down by asking us why we feel that the choice we are making is so important. Ask us why it needs to happen that day. It probably doesn't. Talk us through our decision-making so that we don't do something we regret, especially when emotions are running high.
5. Lie to us about the time you need us to be somewhere:
A person with ADHD has trouble keeping track of time. Plus, we're probably running back into the house to grab our keys or phone and we have NO idea where they are. And when we do get focused on a task, we have a hard time knowing when to stop. (Even as I write this post, I am supposed to be heading to a physical therapy appointment, but I have to finish this first.) Just be aware that for someone with ADHD, it can feel physically impossible to get somewhere in time, especially in the morning. If there's a situation where it's crucial that your significant other is on time, help them prepare for that. Make a plan together about how you're going to get there when you're supposed to get there. If that includes helping your partner pick out an outfit the night before, do it. Eliminate as many decisions as possible in the process of getting to the event. Know that your significant other is not showing up late on purpose and that it's not a reflection of how much they care about the event or about you.
6. Remind us to follow-through:
ADHDers are full of really great ideas. But we struggle to follow through on those ideas, because a few hours later, we've had about sixteen other really good ideas and we can't prioritize them. Remind us of our goals and plans. Help us recognize when other people are relying on us to follow through on a commitment. Let us know that it's okay if we have to plan out our day by the minute on a post-it note. Be there for your loved one and help them keep track of their life - be their "idea coordinator."
7. Don't mind our mess:
Our messy bedrooms are a reflection of what it looks like inside our brains. Again, we have too much going on up there to worry about the small stuff. If your partner's messiness is bothering you, just talk with them about it gently. There are a lot of factors here: inability to focus, inability to follow-through, and a tendency towards disorganization in all aspects of life. Find ways to make cleaning fun for us, and create routines as needed. Be patient and remember how hard our brains are working on the big picture stuff. It's exhausting!
8. Recognize avoidance:
A person with ADHD will go to great lengths to avoid tasks that are mentally taxing, because our brains are already so tired all the time. If we know something is going to take a lot of focus, we will shun it like the plague. Remind us of tasks we might be avoiding early on. Help your partner break those tasks up into chunks and help them figure out why they're avoiding that task. Look for reasons your partner should get excited about that task. If there is any way to make a project more creative, and more people-oriented rather than task-oriented, do so.
9. Remember that the way we act when we take medication is a reflection of our true self:
My family learned to love my chaos, so when I started taking ADHD pills, my mom was worried that it was going to affect my personality. She told my doctor, "This is the only Hilary we know." It's understandable to be worried that your loved one won't be themselves on medication. But it's actually the opposite. NOT taking medication is creating a chemical deficiency in your partner that is making it impossible for them to be their best self. Who they are on medication is who they really are - and you will like it.
10. Embrace our strengths:
ADHDers have a lot to offer, to life and to relationships. We are incredibly passionate and creative. We have good ideas and we love sharing them with the people we love. We do 13 things at once because all of those things matter to us so much. Remind us of our strengths and let us know that you're grateful for them. Allow us to be equal partners in the relationship. Don't take on more work because you feel like your partner can't handle it. People with ADHD are intelligent and capable. Let us pull our own weight, but make sure that we have room for creativity in all of our responsibilities.
Overall, educate yourself about your loved one's ADHD. Be patient and gentle. Remember that ADHD is not a reflection of your partner's character. Communicate with us about your frustrations, but always be kind. ENJOY all of the wonderful things about loving someone with ADHD. And...
Bonus: Remind us that Adam Levine has ADHD, too.
Peace out, because I was supposed to leave my house 18 minutes ago.
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